The Year in Review
Essay by Colin McEnroe
 JANUARY
Governor Dannel P. Malloy was sworn in and tried to wrestle the pen away from the judge at the ceremony so that he could begin governing immediately .… An enormous snowstorm struck the state. Forecasters said it was caused by something called “bombogenesis.” You can look it up …. Governor Malloy persuaded the official New England tourism map to restore Connecticut, which had been removed—sort of like Pluto from the solar system—because the state had no tourism budget. .…The Enfield Town Council banned a showing of Michael Moore’s film Sicko because it was not a balanced account of the health care debate. …..A Twain scholar issued a new edition of Huckleberry Finn in which all 219 mentions of its famously offensive word were replaced by a different word. …..Governor Malloy gave blood.
FEBRUARY
Snowverdose! There was another enormous snowstorm. It was impossible to tell whether it was caused by bombogenesis because the only person who really understood that term was buried under an eight-foot drift. ….. Malloy held several dozen storm-related press briefings. …..The lawyer for a man accused of having relations with a horse in Shelton said the case had been over-publicized. “If this was a guy with a sheep in Litchfield…it would not have gotten nearly the media attention,” he said. .….A rapper named Fury announced he was running for mayor of Bristol, although he was not registered to vote. ..…It was revealed that, as a final act, departing Goveror Rell had handed out low-number license plates to herself and her family. ..…Among the bills considered by the General Assembly were measures establishing Ronald Reagan Day, regulating hookah lounges, and choosing a “State Waltz.”
MARCH
Chris Dodd announced he would dedicate his work life, post-Senate, either to building desalinization plants in Haiti or to a grueling schedule of hosting movie screenings, hanging around with attractive Hollywood people and walking out on stage during the Academy Awards. .….Governor Malloy embarked on a series of “town hall meetings” to hear the concerns of people, many of whom told him he was beginning to tire them out. ..…UConn’s football revealed that it had somehow lost money by playing in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. ..…UConn basketball coach Jim Calhoun was punished for having roughly the same level of interest in NCAA rules as Blackbeard had in nautical regulations.
APRIL
The Metropolitan District Commission considered a proposal that would close reservoir trails to hikers and bikers. Angry people in helmets, high-visibility yellow jackets, and many-pocketed pants filled the streets. .….UConn officials were unsuccessful in persuading students to tilt Spring Weekend activities more toward sack races, horseshoes and volleyball, and less toward drinking and breaking things… A Bridgeport woman was arrested and charged with a felony for trying to send her son to kindergarten in Norwalk.
MAY
The Enfield Town Council banned a showing of Lord of the Rings because it does not tell Mordor’s side of the story.
JUNE
A tornado touched down in Woodbury. Until confronted with photographs, government officials denied it had happened. ..…Mountain lions were seen in Greenwich. Government officials denied there were mountain lions until one was hit by an SUV in Milford. ..…To combat an invasive plant species, government officials released 5,000 “beneficial” Chinese weevils raised in a New Jersey lab. What could go wrong?
JULY
The Bridgeport Board of Education asked to be relieved of its power because it was too dysfunctional to agree about anything except how dysfunctional it is. The state education commissioner said he would appoint a new board and that it would be a good idea if many of its members were not from Bridgeport.
AUGUST
An earthquake struck Connecticut. Scientists said it was an isolated incident, not a source of continuing worry. ..…A hurricane struck Connecticut, causing widespread and prolonged power outages. As he raced around the state, Governor Malloy had to be restrained by aides from picking up live wires and reattaching them with his bare hands. Stamford had a long wait for power restoration, possibly due, in part, to city Public Safety Director Bobby Valentine’s failure to attend the hurricane. Valentine left to announce a baseball game for ESPN. New Haven area Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro was criticized for closely monitoring the storm and its aftermath from the Hotel Poseidon on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. U.S. Congressman Ron Paul suggested getting rid of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA); Malloy said “I think he’s an idiot.”
SEPTEMBER
U.S. Senator Joseph Lieberman published a book in which he mentioned the “brilliance” exhibited by God in “requiring” married couples to have sex on the Sabbath. Orthodox Judaism experienced a rash of conversions. ..…The Hartford police stopped state treasurer Denise Nappier, towed her state car, and let walk home alone through a dangerous part of the city.
OCTOBER
Connecticut officials, led by Malloy, persuaded Jackson Laboratories to build a large new facility in Farmington. The company has produced millions of mice for research and now specializes in “mouse-human chimeras,” which blur the genetic distinctions between mice and people. What could go wrong? .....The state was hit by Arborgeddon, a freak snowstorm in no way connected to the previous bombogenesis, hurricane, earthquake, tornado, or cougar invasion. Halloween was canceled, work was canceled, electricity was canceled, school was canceled, cable was canceled, life was canceled. Rosa DeLauro held several press conferences to point out she was not in Italy.
NOVEMBER
November was canceled.
DECEMBER
The Boston Red Sox signed Bobby Valentine as their manager, sending expensive and useless pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka to Stamford to serve out Valentine’s term as public safety director. .....The Smithsonian Institution asked if it could exhibit Governor Malloy’s adrenal glands when he dies. …..The state was briefly overrun with cougars, mouse-people, and Chinese weevils, all of which were eventually killed by bombogenesis.
Colin McEnroe is a writer living very quietly in West Hartford.
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